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Just one last thing. They should call the shields medals, because they’re small pieces of metal on a chain, and that is LITERALLY WHAT MEDALS ARE. Calling them shields is stupid, because imagine trying to defend yourself with one of them if someone came at you with a sword. You would be dead in a microsecond, wouldn’t you.
In other words, I am right, you are wrong and The Traitors should start calling them medals because that’s what I’m going to do just to spite everyone.
Before the show starts, here’s a standalone piece I wrote today about Richard E Grant and the predicament he now finds himself in.
Now, before the show begins, let’s go through the standings of all the contestants so far.
Richard E. Grant – TRAITOR. Having a lovely time, despite clearly exhausting everyone around him all the time.
Maya Jama – TRAITOR. And potentially a good one, once she stops having to fuss around Richard like the mother of a toddler during a trip to a mousetrap demonstration showroom
James Acaster – FAITHFUL FOR NOW. But probably a traitor by 8:05, which could get quite messy.
Amol Rajan – FAITHFUL FOR NOW. But surely dead by 8:05, if only as a mercy to stop him telling everyone how famous he is.
Julie Hesmondhalgh – FAITHFUL. Soon to be recruited, by me, as my new best friend.
Ross Kemp – FAITHFUL. The most paranoid man ever to have been born. Two innocuous interactions away from locking himself in the attic.
Bella Ramsey – FAITHFUL. Put a hat on Ross Kemp. This was of great significance to Ross Kemp and Ross Kemp alone.
Leigh-Anne Pinnock – FAITHFUL. Touched Ross Kemp on the arm. This, according to Ross Kemp, is roughly the equivalent of slitting his throat.
Sharon Rooney – FAITHFUL. Lost in the edit a bit last night, but what we did see showed signs of immense promise.
Jerry Hall – FAITHFUL. Convinced that Richard E Grant isn’t a traitor, even though he told everyone that he was. So profoundly wrong about every single thing on Earth that I will use her as the baseline to my moral compass going forward.
James Blunt – FAITHFUL. Lives for the missions, doesn’t he, this one? Can’t trust a man who lives for the worst parts of the show.
Professor Hannah Fry – FAITHFUL. Once shook my hand and immediately said “OH WEIRD YOUR HANDS ARE SO SOFT” so I’ve decided to root against her purely on this basis.
Joanne McNally – FAITHFUL. Lost in the edit a bit, to be honest.
Miranda Hart – FAITHFUL. Same, really.
Joe Lycett – FAITHFUL. Threatened to unfollow me on Instagram yesterday. That shield’s gone to his head if you ask me.
King Kenny – FAITHFUL. Described himself last night as an undefeated professional boxer. I just checked Wikipedia and it says he was actually defeated quite a lot. Not to be trusted.
Sebastian Croft – FAITHFUL. Also lost in the edit last night, although he has hinted that this might actually be his strategy.
Michael Sheen – FAITHFUL. Lost in the edit as well, which is a bizarre and stupid thing to do to Michael Sheen.
Myha’la – FAITHFUL. A Rooneyesque wiliness on display here. Let’s assume she’ll go far.
Rob Beckett – FAITHFUL. Almost certainly going to fall out with his best friend Romesh in the next few episodes.
Romesh Ranganathan – FAITHFUL. See above.
So, a quick recap of last night’s episode. Everyone met in a church and Julie Hesmondhalgh giggled at everyone. Claudia Winkleman climbed out of a coffin and gave SHIELDS (not MEDALS) to herself and Joe Lycett.
Claudia picked Maya Jama and Richard E Grant to be traitors, and Richard E Grant blew it instantaneously by telling everyone that he was a traitor. Then there was a long and pointless mission on an exploding boat, during which someone put a hat on Ross Kemp, which caused him to to react like someone had just doused him in baby spiders.
Then the traitors were told to recruit one person and murder another. Amol Rajan and James Acaster were brought in front of Richard and Maya and told to beg for their lives. James Acaster made a good case about his ability to protect Richard, while Amol Rajan waffled on about his job for a bit. They were both put in coffins. One lid closed. But whose coffin was it?
I mean, it’s obviously Amol, right? Right?
Stuart Heritage
Hello 100% hundies, and welcome to The Guardian’s liveblog of The Celebrity Traitors, episode two. Last night was a humdinger of an opener, with 40 minutes of a very good television crammed between 25 minutes of abject filler.
We know who the traitors are. We know that one of them is a complete liability, and the other one basically has to be his carer for the remainder of the series. We know that paranoia is rife, that a murder is imminent and that I caught a load of crap last night for referring to the shields as medals.
Tonight, things should ramp up even further. By 9pm we will definitely have a dead contestant and a new traitor, and with any luck we’ll get to see Richard E Grant fight for his life around the round table.
Last night your comments were all lovely – and surprisingly global! – and helped keep me afloat. More of the same tonight would be wonderful. See you at 8pm.
#Celebrity #Traitors #episode #live #Traitors
