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The contestants pull up to The Horrible Hut (copyright Joe Lycett) and learn that it is haunted by unhappy spirits who need their final wishes granted. In other words, it’s getting a thing from a thing time.
BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Hall has just said something right. She suspects James Acaster is a traitor. This has thrown me completely. Up is down. Black is white. This might be the end of days, people.
James Blunt and Leigh-Anne, who are coincidentally dressed like 1987-era Anne Diamond, are tucked in a corner theorising. I don’t know who they’re theorising about, because to reiterate they are both dressed like they present a regional ITV consumer affairs show from the early 1990s.
I’ve just noticed that Bash has layered knitwear over knitwear tonight. I know that Scotland can be chilly, but this is absurd. Is he not sweltering? Does he not itch?
Claudia comes in, holds up a photo of Bella and makes everyone say goodbye to it. This might have something to do with the mission.
Meanwhile, Miranda makes her first big mistake by telling Maya that Hannah is a traitor. Given Maya’s track record of offing anyone with the slightest correct hunch, this could be trouble.
Miranda, however, is straight onto Hannah. This is her big chance to be the team bloodhound. A good round of campaigning and Hannah will be a goner tonight.
In even worse news, James Blunt and his Jill Dando haircut live to fight another day.
Oh no. Bella was my favourite. Their problem, obviously, is that they were too smart for their own good. There is no faster way to be murdered on The Traitors than being good at The Traitors. When will these people learn?
Here we go. Last night the traitors murdered… BELLA.
Leigh-Anne just suggested that Bella might be murdered. This is notable because a) it’s very perceptive and b) it’s possibly the first time that Leigh-Anne has said a full sentence on camera.
Let’s find out who got killed then. Guys, I don’t think it’s going to be James Blunt. Acaster just said that he was going with the majority vote, and he’s the one who suggested Blunt. Blunt lives to fight another day. I don’t know how I’m going to have the energy to liveblog the rest of this episode, frankly.
RECAP TIME: Richard goes. Hannah joins. Basically everything I mentioned four paragraphs ago.
Well, now that BBC’s slightly downbeat 30-minute documentary about shoplifting has finished, it means that we are just 40 to 50 exhortations to pay the licence fee before tonight’s episode gets going.
Finally, a big annoyance about liveblogging is that I’ll sometimes glance down at my laptop and miss something. This year, it appears to be the horrifying insert shots that The Traitors films of its contestants. I caught the one of Miranda Hart blowing bubbles off her hand, and the one of Professor Hannah Fry dicking about with an abacus. Thanks to social media, I know I also missed the one where James Blunt sat around topless and shiny and staring off into the middle distance like Patrick Bateman. Have I missed any others?
A quick word on the fallen. Richard, a monkey could have guessed. But the loss of Myha’la is a big one. Why, of everyone, was she banished last night? There are a few theories. The first is that she winked at Richard E Grant during his final round table and, as a commenter smartly pointed out last night, Traitors is literally a game of winking murder. Another option is that she isn’t white, and this is The Traitors, and this sort of thing happens so often that there’s literally an SNL UK sketch about it.
My own theory, though, is that Myha’la just felt things too deeply. She was an emotional player, and the game is so new that contestants don’t need much to latch onto a suspicion. By being a bit too generous with her feelings, she gave them just enough rope to hang her with. A shame, she deserved more.
As always, a quick status update on where the remaining contestants are right now:
Maya Jama – TRAITOR. And a pretty good one, no? Threw Richard under the bus without blinking, and then put Bash up for murder purely because he expressed a flicker of a doubt about her. A stone cold killer.
James Acaster – TRAITOR. And also a pretty good one, mainly because he openly wants to murder James Blunt.
Professor Hannah Fry – TRAITOR. Freshly recruited. She needs to let her nerves settle before we can see how good she is.
Bella Ramsey – FAITHFUL. Up for murder. This is because they are too openly clever. As everyone knows, the best way to win at Traitors is to be deliberately stupid. This means that Bella has reached an event horizon of cleverness that has ultimately rendered them quite rubbish.
Sebastian Croft – FAITHFUL. Up for murder. He made the mistake of doubting Maya Jama, which could be fatal.
James Blunt – FAITHFUL. Up for murder. And, you know, yes please.
Joanne McNally – FAITHFUL. Joanne has thus far characterised herself by being woefully wrong about literally everything at every single point in the game so far, to the extent that you could quite easily win Traitors purely by doing the opposite of what she does or thinks.
Jerry Hall – FAITHFUL. Same as Joanne, but with a voice that makes her sound like a Teddy Ruxpin that will imminently run out of batteries. Also, I got a DM last night from James Brown from Loaded, pointing out that she ‘has gone full Moira Rose’.
Michael Sheen – FAITHFUL. James Acaster is arbitrarily gunning for him, and this is the most interesting thing about him so far.
Ross Kemp – FAITHFUL. The early paranoia has worn off now, leaving him as simply a bald middle-aged man prone to sudden bursts of incomprehensible anger. Ross, I can relate.
Miranda Hart – FAITHFUL. Slowly coming into her own now, but surely her moment of greatness is still to come.
Leigh-Anne Pinnock – FAITHFUL. But a faithful doubted by the masses, because she put on some makeup quite late at night. Tragically, this remains her only identifiable characteristic.
Julie Hesmondhalgh – FAITHFUL. Yesterday revealed herself to be highly competitive. She’s chasing down some weird rabbit holes at the moment, so this will come back to bite her.
Sharon Rooney – FAITHFUL. You know, I think Sharon is emerging as my favourite faithful. She is playing the game stupendously well, as evidenced by how little we’ve seen of her so far.
Joe Lycett – FAITHFUL. Again, though, the contestants are turning against him, for reasons I cannot be bothered to fully interrogate.
Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan – FAITHFUL. I’m lumping these two together for now, since all they offer are minimal contributions and occasional Jerry Hall impersonations.
King Kenny – FAITHFUL. Literally forgot he was even on the show until I saw him on this list, so that bodes well.
Hello fellow 100% self-annihilating hundies, and welcome to The Guardian’s liveblog of The Celebrity Traitors episode four. And, well, it looks like we’ve finally got a game on our hands, doesn’t it?
Let’s essentially write off the first two episodes, because they achieved very little. By acting like a colossal durr-brain during the first episode, Richard E Grant turned Week One into The Richard E Grant Show, but now the others have seen sense and banished him.
As we left things yesterday, Richard was gone. But rather than murdering Hannah Fry, James Acaster and Maya Jama chose to recruit her. Now suspicion is flying everywhere, Myha’la got caught in the crossfire and found herself banished, and three contestants of varying quality find themselves in the firing line.
We’ll get into that soon enough though. Tonight’s episode begins at 8pm, and I would happily welcome your company. In fact, let’s get going there? Who do you want to get murdered tonight: Bash, Bella Ramsey or James Blunt? Comment below and I’ll be back with you shortly.
#Celebrity #Traitors #live #Traitors
