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James Acaster tells him that he has been murdered, and honestly he seems thrilled about it. The good thing about Rob Beckett is that there was not a single molecule in his body that gave even one percent of a fraction of a toss about anything to do with The Traitors. This is exactly the attitude to have in life. We should all be more Rob Beckett.
Romesh enters, and explains everything. Flashback to last night: the traitors knock on a Rob’s door. Ross Kemp leaves to freak about nothing for another day, while Rob Beckett is brown bread.
Because now it’s breakfast. Maya, Hannah, Michael and James Blunt sit down and grimace. Joe Lycett knocks on the door so hard that he hurts his hand, and then becomes excited about eggs. James Acaster enters, eats a boiled egg with his bare hands and declares that he enjoys murdering people eye to eye. And then Leigh-Anne enters and explains everything.
The traitors knock on a crypt door. Leigh-Anne is declared safe. Romesh is declared safe. Who gets murdered? Let’s wait for a long montage set to the Red Hot Chili Peppers to find out!
As tonight’s episode starts, Ross Kemp continues to run, while the traitors figure out who to murder. Ross might attract suspicion by surviving, they decide. Leigh-Anne has got the key, they decide. Looks like it’s going to be Rob or Romesh for the chop, and I have a feeling it’s Rob.
Recap time. Joe Lycett has a little pair of binoculars. Bella Ramsey reads a scroll. Julie pulls a face like a sad pet. Professor Hannah Fry says “Uh oh.” Ross Kemp breaks into a run. END OF RECAP.
And on that cheery note, let’s! Liveblog! Traitors!
Slightly unrelated, but doing these liveblogs has meant that I’m now watching EastEnders for the first time in about a decade. And I tell you what, half an hour of watching the biggest bummer of all time (currently Kat Slater slowly dying of grief in the woods at midnight) is really getting me mood for some lively reality TV commentary.
Right, so, as we left things, the traitors were about to go traipsing through the woods to some crypts. Inside the crypts are Rob, Romesh, Ross and Leigh-Anne, although her crypt has been locked because her name doesn’t begin with the letter R. Whoever’s crypt the traitors open will be murdered. But if they try to open Leigh-Anne’s locked crypt, nobody will be murdered. Does this make sense? I hope so.
Let’s see where everyone is.
Maya Jama – TRAITOR. So far, absolutely ruthless. I’m genuinely terrified of her.
James Acaster – TRAITOR. Becoming less convincing as a traitor, largely because it’s evident he really doesn’t want to be one. Poor James.
Professor Hannah Fry – TRAITOR. Same as Acaster. She’d give anything to be a faithful again, but that isn’t how this works.
Ross Kemp – FAITHFUL. Up for murder. As we speak he is hiding in a crypt as the traitors approach.
Rob Beckett and Romesh Ranganathan – FAITHFUL. Also both up for murder and hiding in crypts, which is terrific because it means they’ve both finally got things to do.
Leigh-Anne Pinnock – FAITHFUL. Sort of up for murder, because she’s in a crypt, but the crypt is locked. Hope that helps.
Michael Sheen – FAITHFUL. But James Acaster is haplessly attempting to frame him as a traitor, for reasons that aren’t particularly clear.
Miranda Hart – FAITHFUL. And currently gunning for Professor Hannah Fry harder than anyone outside a small demographic of recently divorced men who shop at Ocado.
Joe Lycett – FAITHFUL. But everyone suspects him of being a traitor, for no good reason.
Sebastian Croft – FAITHFUL. Nice man. Sometimes wears several jumpers at once, like Joey from Friends.
Sharon Rooney – FAITHFUL. My favourite remaining contestant, so based on historical precedent she will be brutally murdered any second now.
Joanne McNally and Jerry Hall – FAITHFUL. I am now lumping these two in together, thanks to their genuine ability to never get anything right. They shall now be known as The Wrong Twins until one of them does something to warrant otherwise.
James Blunt – FAITHFUL. Nice man. Dresses like the cast of Hi-De-Hi.
King Kenny – FAITHFUL. Has done so little of interest that I’m beginning to think he was put on the show as part of a witness protection program.
Hello and welcome to The Guardian’s liveblog of The Celebrity Traitors episode five. This is a momentous episode, because it means that we are now exactly halfway through the series, so statistically something interesting has to happen today, right?
This series has been a bit flat and underpowered so far, but let’s have faith. There are all these weird hints in the press that something colossal is going to happen at some point. Reports said filming needed to be stopped because some of the contestants took it so badly. Other reports said that whatever happened completely altered the structure of the show. A show insider recently got word to me that things became genuinely toxic on set. And honestly, hurry up and feed it to us. We deserve it.
Anyway, the show starts at 8pm, so see you back here then.
#Celebrity #Traitors #episode #live #Traitors
