Elizabeth Anne Russell is an etiquette expert based in North Carolina, who runs her own company called Mannerly

NEED TO KNOW

• Elizabeth Anne Russell says etiquette prioritizes awareness, generosity and considering others before yourself
• The former management consultant now teaches social skills to children, professionals and corporate teams through Mannerly
• She recommends arriving 10 minutes late, bringing a small host gift and keeping phones out of sight

Etiquette expert Elizabeth Anne Russell says that etiquette is not really about “rules,” but rather the “kind of person we choose to become — and it’s how we want to be remembered.”

Etiquette, she continues, is not about perfection, but rather “awareness and generosity,” and most importantly, “considering others before ourselves.”

It’s this ethos that imbues much of the advice that the Charlotte, N.C.-based professional etiquette instructor and speaker doles out in her classes and speaking engagements. Speaking with PEOPLE, Russell, who is a third-generation etiquette instructor, shares how she got into the unique line of work.

Before transitioning and starting her company Mannerly, Russell was in management consulting for about 17 years, moving to a larger bank for the last part of her career. Russell grew up with both a mother and a grandmother who were etiquette instructors. In college at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill, Russell became fascinated with an organizational behavior class taught by Adam Grant.

“It really started in my mind to connect how we interact with others and how they feel with us,” she says. When she began to have children, Russell shares that she always envisioned enrolling them in etiquette classes, as she had done as a child.

“Last July I walked away from my corporate position, and I’m now full-time invested in my company, which is called Mannerly,” she shares. “We offer etiquette classes to new learners and seasoned professionals, starting at age 5. And we also work with corporations like US Bank and others to train their professionals and their management teams on creating a better in-person client experience.”

Russell tells PEOPLE that what she teaches her clients, regardless of age, generally begins with first impressions. It’s the defining moment. “It’s how you’re going to remember me and how I’m going to remember you,” she tells PEOPLE.

With the holidays coming up, Russell acknowledges that party season is in full swing, and with it comes the meeting of scores of new people. She shares a few of her tried and true tips for successfully navigating a social interaction with people you don’t know for the first time.

While perhaps a bit over the top, Russell shares that doing your “homework” on attendees of the party can help ease any interactions you might have with them. And, she shares, it might help you avoid the one question that she advises not asking other partygoers.

“Let’s say it’s a party where you don’t know anyone at all, commit to be the first one to speak and have questions ready so you don’t just introduce yourself and stand there awkwardly,” she shares.

Be ready to engage, she advises. If you’re stuck, asking someone how they know the host is always a great start.

She advises avoiding asking someone what they do, which she shares is a question that feels “very transactional.”

In fact, she goes so far as to say, “I think it’s a very gross question,” and she’d prefer the answer come out in a slightly more natural way.

“If I ask you, what do you have exciting going on, and you point to something at work that’s exciting, I’m going to naturally learn about your work,” she says. “But let’s say you hate your job or you’ve been laid off and it’s a really sore place. I don’t want to poke into that until you want to share with me.”

At its core, etiquette is about being considerate of others, which is what Russell hopes being aware of the kinds of questions you ask people will achieve.

Other tips that Russell shares might help you make the most of this year’s holiday party circuit?

“RSVP on time,” she advises. Waffling on an answer is worse than just committing and telling someone that you can’t come.

Her next tip is to always arrive after the start time for a social event — “never” early.

“I don’t really even like coming on time. 10 minutes after is a great spot or even later because you never want your host to feel rushed,” she says.

Showing up empty-handed is also not recommended, even if the host tells you otherwise.

“Bring a small something. It does not need to be expensive, but it is an active way of saying ‘thank you for having me,’ ” Russell explains. Flower arrangements (with a vase!), candles, a box of chocolates and a handwritten note go a long way.

And be sure to say hello to the host and thank them later for having the party. “Make sure you thank the host and tell them something you enjoyed about the party,” she shares.

A lesser-known tip Russell shares is that partygoers should keep their cocktail or drink in their left hand so their right hand is free to shake.

“We can go through this awkward dance, I think, for women, if we’re carrying a clutch or a handbag and we’re balancing where are they, but just decide that’s going to be in my left hand, and it’s much more comfortable,” she says. When it comes to carrying things, there is one thing that should be put entirely away, according to Russell: your phone.

For Russell, etiquette is a habit.

“You don’t just become confident. It’s reps, it’s practice,” she says. “The more we practice, you’re telling yourself you are more confident because you’ve proven to yourself that you are.”

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